KSK

Somehow, I am even more depressed in training than in class. Cuz, in training I have to do all the things that I hate. I don't know how long I can keep up with this. With this acting and liars... Hopefully I am strong enough to live by myself without any family at all. Cuz, I am thinking of not returning to Sabah anymore. Since I had been warned not to come home if I insist on leaving QS.

Dying seems more appealing right now. But then again, I am dead inside for a very long time now.

Its rather complicated

They came to us last week. After lunch that is. And I can't help noticing his Edward Cullen hairstyle. Somehow, he is different from the 'he' that I know. Different from where we met. Can't take my eyes off him but i have too. Else it would be too obvious.

But somehow, remembering him makes me depressed even more. Since he doesn't like me, like me. Hahaha.... I'm getting myself confuse. I am an example of a person who just cannot accept the fact that people don't like me.  Its like a cycle actually, some guy will come and give that ' i am interested in you' attitude and after several months move on with another girl. What do they think I am??

Good think I learn fast and from experience in high school too. Too never trust anyone. So bye-bye.! Adios Amiga.

Not a good start

Not a good start.. I am still the dumbess person. Why can't I communicate with people?? Why am I being punish with such characteristic.? I don't understand why other people had it easy whereas me? I have to go through hell and still didn't get the result that I wanted. Sometimes, It makes me feel like I should jut quit or maybe kill myself. Then everything will be perfect. Nobody like me anyway. I am tired pretending to be someone I am not. And by being someone I am, I am being criticize and hated also.

The question of suicide had been in my mind for quite some time now. O-God, please release me from this burden in my chest. I really really am getting tired of living like this. I cry every time people turn around from me.

I am weak and I agree with that. I am befriend with someone ruthless. I hate it. I hate it soo much that sometime I just wanted that person to just go away already. Hm........................................................................................

Wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow. I hate it. I hate that place with some of the people who scares me to death. I can't pray for their wellness if they are being so immature by treating me differently. Thanks a lot for making every single step in my life terrible for me. Kill me already.

Praktikal training

Tak lama lagi praktikal. Agak nervous . Aku punya cita-cita untuk berjaya . Berjaya menjadi seorang intern yang terbaik. Tetapi dengan kelemahan ku. Aku tidak pasti samada dapat ku capai cita-cita tersebut. Aku ingin sekali belajar banyak daripada latihan lapangan ini. Tapi.... doubts in me..I have doubts in myself. 

Aku dapat tahu akan ada 3 orang lagi dari tempat laen yang akan praktikal sama denganku. Tidak mengenali mereka dan tidak ingin dipijak. Aku keliru, celaru, adakah aku sudah bersedia untuk melangkah setapak lagi ke industri yang meragut kewarasan akalku.?  yang hampir meragut nyawaku. Aku kini tidak takut berhirisan dengan pisau dan tidak takut inflict api ketapak tanganku sendiri. Ketahuilah rakan2 ku.. kalau hatiku ini dipenuhi dengan keberanian tidak akan ku lakukan perkara2 tersebut. Tapi aku pengecut. kerana apa yang terjadi semasa aku berada di sekolah menengah. Mungkin ada yang berkata itu benda lepas. Tapi bagiku luka yang meninggalkan parut amat mendalam dan hodoh sehingga aku sukar sekali melupakannya. 

Bagiku, aku sudah mati .. 

aku mati,

beku dalam diri.

Tetiba teringat kisah msa pertengahan semester. Trima kasih En. Halim sebab encik buat self esteem sy jatuh dengan begitu dalam sekali ke lubang yang tak terdaya untuk di jelajahi. TRima kasih sebab guna perkataan 'kelabu asap'.. terima kasih sebab malukan saya depan kawan2 yang sy baru nak kenal. terima kasih jugak sebab berusaha bercakap dengan saya selepas itu.

Walaupun bila kita berdua sahaja berada dalam satu kawasan nampaknya en. tidak begitu menyukai saya. I know i am a bad QS. 'tak boleh di tegur ' as u said it that day. Tolong faham QS bukan lah pilihan saya dan tak akan pernah menjadi ratu, puteri mahupun dayang dalam hati ini. QS hanyalah satu profession di mana family saya boleh berbangga dengan apa yang saya buat. berbangga dengan apa yang mereka besarkn. Seorang patung mainan yang bila2 masa boleh dibakar, yang boleh di gerakkan mengikut kehendak mereka .

Aku hanyalah boneka,

Mainan sang dewasa,

Bahan tontonan keluarga,

Kebanggaan yang menyedihkan.

I know, my poem a bit off.. But at least I tried. Doesn't really felt like it anyway. Kalau tak nak jadi QS jangan jadi QS. Tapi encik macam bukan manusia dengan tidak memahami bahwa pilihan bukan ditangan saya sebenarnya. Trima aksih encik sbb membuka luka di dada. Membuka kemarahan yang selama ini sy pendam.

Amarahku diperangkap kurungan benama hati

It ended in second semester

This semester were a hellish semester. With all the frustration , fear and all but I manage to finish it without quitting although I make it clear that that is what I wanted. I lost my self as always but nevermind that.
Although this semester was a terrible one, I can't stop from being happy by having such a great supportive group of friends. From my own roomates whom I come to love so much to my classmate who never make me feel like I am alone in everything. Thanks  alot you guys. Really appreciates all the things u guys taught me and I have to say. Even though my journey has been rocky u make it bearable.

To be part with u guys makes me want to break into tears. But I know, it is best for me to not dwell into the past and start living in present without much hope into the future.Because future is not something that we will know and if things doesn't goes according to plan we are the one who will be frustrated. I learn to let things be and try to survive this oceans of problematic world.


What I came to find out so far about my friends is that some of them are a hypocrite like me. Means they are dangerous unlike what they potrayed themselves to be. But some of them are genuinely sincere. I wish that someday. The pain of being separated will cease to exist . I know i will leave them soon and disappear as I would do before. 

Jiwang again

Untuk aku mengenali seseorang itu susah, tapi untuk aku jatuh cinta itu senang. Haha. Lucu. jatuh cinta lagi... lagi lagi ku jatuh cinta... haha... xble blah... Apapun, untuk aku jatuh cinta secara slowly, lebih susah. dan walau bagaimana aku menolak sekalipun, aku harus akui yang aku jatuh hati pada seseorang yang pada mataku bukan menarik untuk dikenali pada mulanya. Namun aku mencintai hati budi dan tingkah lakunya. Semakin lama aku bersamanya semakin aku menyayangi nya. Perasaan yang hadir secara tiba-tiba. Tapi, aku harus memadamkan perasaan ini. Dan caraku sungguh kelihatan sekali. Mukaku menjadi boring bila berhadapan dengannya. dan sensitif sekali. Tapi aku harus lakukan ia demi menyelamatkan persahabatan yang ada. kerana aku lebih rela mengorbankan cinta daripada mengorbankan seorang sahabat yang sejati yang aku temui yang begitu memahami.

Kerana budi aku jatuh hati,

Kerana budi aku ingin memiliki, 

Kerana budi aku disakiti.

Aku tahu luahan ini tidak seharusnya kutulis tetapi akujuga tahu aku tidak akan dapat memendam perasaan ini selama-lamanya. 

Lalu pada pen dan kertas ku berbicara,

Pada isinya ku luahkan segala,

Pada pengakhirannya ku tutup kata.

Aku belum kronik. Aku masih waras dalam meneliti hidup ini. Masih sedar akan sifat malu dan adab-adab Melayu. Aku,  anak warisan Malaysia yang relevansi kepada bangsa masih samar-samar belaka cuba membakar rasa yang tidak sepatutnya ada. 

Cinta dan dicintai

Aku mencintai pada yang salah dan membenci pada yang benar
sedang dunia itu aku tahu sebuah taman ilusi
dipenuhi hiasan hiasan palsu lagi mengasyikkan

aku tewas dalam permainan dunia,
permainan mereka
lalu aku menyendiri kerana maluku
terlalu besar buat mukaku
dan terlalu azab buat jiwaku
aku
harus mencari jawapan segera kepada pembentukan ku
agak aku dapat berdiri selari dengan mereka
tanpa hanyut dalam dunia ilusi

There is nothing that I can say that can change anything. So I kept quiet about it. I don't know if they still consider me as their close friends or not. But one thing for sure, she doesn't think of me as her friend. Its okay, I'm used to rejection plus, I am better by myself because I don't have to worry about other people's feeling if i kill myself. So it is a relief somehow. :)

Regrets and gone

Enough with regrets. I've been living my whole life in regrets and look where it gets me? A whole year of wasted courage. So, no more regrets. Enough and move on!

It was a good decision for me right now. To be back at my parents house.I needed the break, away from my U friends, my lecturers, my dormroom. and my homework plus assignments. I'm at peace now. but i can't help feeling sad cuz i have to leave tomorrow. Back to reality. I am still a student and it is my responsibility to finish what I started. Study that is. huhu.....  But today was a blast. early celebration for my birthday. Had dinner with my beloved family and having fun swimming at waterfall.. courtesy to my father who knew what i needed is time away from all the modern stuff...concrete walls and cars. Went to village and found out that the dog who watches our orchard now multiplied into 2.haha..now there is another dog. A black one. I prefer the other though, pipy, a more obedient dog. The black one need to be trained.
Owh! I even received early birthday gift from my uncle and aunt and my family. Thanks a bunch u guy. I am ready to accept my birthday now. And hopefully, I am ready for tomorrow. I want to start fresh. Being happy around my friends and support them in any way I can. No more confusion and all... Anything that happen after thi, I just have to ignore it like nothing happen and don't think much about it. It always been my problem. Think too much. Not ANYMORE...

I love my friends though. That is all i know. And i realized that I love her too.

Going back to basic

Tomorrow I'll be going back to Sabah after a few months here. There are lots of ups and down during my time. It is not that I want to quit but I think I need to resolve myself there. Although my family is not the best place for me to hold on and rely to.

The fact that I didn't tell my friends because, I do not want them to think different of me. I know, I complained a lot and that I am a total opposite of their kind. I am sad though cuz I couldn't tell anyone but give them the hint. Hahaha... such an attention seeker I am. Hm.. now i regret doing this but then, maybe it is for the best.

Resolve myself in terms of
1) self confidence
2) question in my heart
3) My love life

I hope that if i were able to return to Shah Alam again, I will be a different person totally. A better one. With goals and determination and  fighting spirit.

Measurement with Dr. Who?

Dr. Who can help me in measurement?? My friends?? Ok. But what about my lecturer. If I wanna overcome my fear, I have to be able to face him first. So how la? I'm confuse. I think the only way I can approach my lecturer is by asking him question about studies. I never able to communicate other than that topic to the other lecturer. hehe...... hm....

Yess! I'm not in love

Haha...!!! Yes2!.. I know, I've hurt myself so many times before and now I am free... Free as a bird. haha... these feeling is nothing more than just a friendship that turns stronger. I mean, I couldn't be lesbo right??haha,.. weird me..

Revelation as promised

It’s true that you shouldn’t dwell in the past. Let bygone be bygone. But I can’t help in reminiscence my high school days.  As promised, here is the second part of my revelation. I think of my high school days both as a curse and a blessing. A curse when I became someone that nobody cared to notice or even befriend with. A blessing when god send me angels along my rocky years in high school. 

You can say that people look at me like a weakling. Someone not worth to be bother with. It’s because of my incapability to socialise with them. The future hot shot, high society offspring. But they are also nice when you become part of their world. For instance, I know that some of them are very humble and friendly. Contradict to what I said earlier. (Laugh) 

Anyway, when I was at my faculty this morning, a friend of mine sit with his group of friend and called my name. I know i am very quite so it really understandable if they wanted to hear my voice. But when i ask him what he did to his hair, he said something that makes his friends laugh ou loud. The same kind of laughter that I hear back when I was in my high school. Laughter for the losers. I am sure they mean to laugh at his jokes. But, it does make me remember my high school days. 

My blessing comes in the form of a small circle of friends whom over 5 years developed into a strong bond. I should never forget Stephanie, Linda my scouts friends, my Group Tengah Sisters, kakak sayang, nikkun, yayat, ams, twinz, nina and sash. They are the one who help me to go through high school with ease and support. Who showed me the way to become educated and to be able to make sense of the education that i received at that time. My classmate, I am soo lucky to have you guys when I was in form 4 and 5. And last but not least, my Dream and Team friends, especially to Ema, thanks for being sincerely friendly with me. 

Enough with the thanks and all, next is the stories.

So , wait for it.... ('v')

A little wise fact, girls tend to twist facts.
This person did this and they think because of her. haha.. it happen to me, just how much longer do i have to keep up with my attitude. I can't fall easily and everytime
Seeing the oblivious, and yet i still sparks hopes in me. Loser.

Sometimes, we are so self centered that we forgot there are other human being out there who experience the same thing that u experienced. That person maybe your friend, your family, your special someone. Its good to go out of your shell and self sympathy and reach out to others. I remember my counselor says to me that maybe If I help others I will become better.

Open you eyes as big as you can, then you will be able to see beyond your misery... its not that hard.. if dolls can do it.. so can you..
Then, listen what you can hear around you.. not to be nosy mind you.. hehe... but if you listen enough, you will discover something else. Like me, I just found out something about my friends... Just by listening and paying attention for the first time.. and also I know what this one person thnk about me.. that i think i know how to judge people. man, I don't wanna judge others but guess I do it without realising it..huhu... kinda scary ....
Hehe.. anyway, be a warm person, as warm as you can get and start your day with a smile.
It makes the difference in long term... LOve, peace and out...  : )

Loving something I'm not suppose to

True to the subject matter. I'm in the position where I am confusing myself with the obvious. Loving the fact that I have friends and loving the fact that I love them. But what happen when your love becomes more than it suppose to be? Fact, I cannot lose someone I love like members of  my family.

The inevitable truth is that if things goes the way it is, I would not be able to do what I am suppose to do. Its all a bit jumbled up. I know, but it makes perfect sense to me. So, leave me please my dearest love side. Its not that I hate you but rather that I wanted to be emotionless once more. When all thing aren't that complicated.

C.N BLUE- LOVE REVOLUTION

I want you in my life
I want you smiling at me everyday
I'll be loving you forever....

This song are sooo fun to hear..it just boost my mood. hehee....  I would recommend you to listen to this song....

Another anger. Another truth

I already knew about it. Well, kinda know it would happen and what she will say. So my predictions, observation and instinct is right all along. I knew she hated me for being in elite school and has all the opportunity to go international. Plus, having a cooler lap top than her. I am not paranoid. You should see her. The way she behaves. and everytime she is angry. She will channel it towards me cuz she knew I wouldn't shout at her. Why would I lower my level and dignity  to her level? I do not wish to turn into her. I do not wish to be her friend but fate brought us together. I will not forgive her until she changed thoroughly and apologize sincerely to me. I do not have any mercy on her. This I will say. One day, she will realized all she did was wrong and how stuck up she was and she will die with regret for forgiveness will not come easy.

Breaking Dawn

I finally break this week. Crying non stop for 3 days straight. Even go to counselor to find out what my problem is. But then, he couldn't help me out. I'm frustrated cuz, i just want to end this. This unsettled feelings. He said I am on the right track. There is nothing wrong with me. But then, why on earth I cried so hard..??? I decided not to see him again. Because I don't really know if he knows what is going on with me. I don't even know myself and meeting him with the hope he can unveil what is it that been bothering me. Well, I still have to text him. Tell him I wouldn't need his test and all. That i will return his self motivation book. But I also should thank  him because now I felt like I should finish what I started. So maybe I will fail but that just not the case anymore. I have friends here. I am actually making friends. And I love them so much. They are different, more mature in a way and I also able to see that their concern for me wasn't biased at all. Alhamdulillah.

Why we choose??

I am a girl with many mistake. I am not perfect. I have weaknesses. I need the help from people around me often. And yet I myself abandon my friends in order to keep up with another one. How terrible. So why, the person who gone through a hell of weaknesses abandon another friends with the same weaknesses as her? She knows how they felt, when she herself felt it beforehand.

In pursuit of perfection, geniuses among the genius, we sacrifice someone and something to get  what we want to achieved. The Idea of achieving something is good but the method is wrong. These very people we choose to abandon should be helped. Do deeds along the way. As we ourselves would want help when we are in no capacity to do something.

Incapacity is not the reason. So quit your yapping!

Thought for the day

When we talked about feelings and expectations. Its pretty clear that we missed something along the way. The second party. We expect that party to fulfilled our expectations but we ourselves didn't ask ourselves whether we fulfilled the other person expectations. Are worthy of their action and so on. It applies in working areas and so does in relationship.

Sometimes, we set standard for whoever it is to be our friends, nakama, and even members of group assignments. Hm..life, how pitiful this world can be.

It hurt to hear, to see and even unbearable to be the only one with less ability . I don't have the apt for sports, academic and even singing. How low can I be? How down should I be before I totally lose my mind and my life? I really wish that I have multiple ability or gifts. Hm....

Shattered Inside

When my life turn to better. I am still me. broken inside and I wouldn't be ashamed to admit it. Because I am. My effort to seek help seems fruitless. I am what I am. My heart are not settled. I became my own worse enemy. I defy myself. I defy my freedom.  Just by acting like a child makes me happy. Cuz then, I wouldn't have to bear responsibility. I  don't know if anyone knows it but it also hurt me to see me being a failure. I am doing mediocre in everything I did. Tried to change but seems useless. I can't change the fate thats already written for me. That I will carry all these weaknesses and just able to look at others who did everything w/o any difficulties at all. Don't I have any talent at all? Why am I not a genius that have the ability to learn fast. Why practically I fail? So many question. i know it is bad to ask those question but I am a human being too with lots of wondering and I can say that I am lost.

Winning and losing an epitome of life

Life took an unexpected turn. Guess what?? We won first place in aerobic competition. Yay!! After an embarrassing defeat last semester. We finally able to win this thing. Anyway, there's pictures of course but I don't have it with me. It is mainly in my Facebook account.hehehe...  But in all, I am so happy that this time, my friends come and cheer for us. the atmosphere are also different although the level we're in are different from the last competition. I can't help but feeling that we are competing against such a low level of performance. In SAF. There are a lot of other competitors and their moves are more sharp than us. Huhu.... But I love aerobic. Sure, when our turn came I am sooo nervous. But when i am at the centre of the ring. All those nervousness gone. And the music just flow into mind mind. I didn't even think or look at  my friends who were there. Everyone just blends in. The audiences and the judges. The feeling was great.  Well, right now, after the competition my leg are still injured. I couldn't even jump w/o feeling any pain. It hurt but I made my decision to do it till the end right and the winning worth the pain. My mum and dad doesn't really care much about it. They only care about my studies. Sooo sad. I can't really convey to them or share with them my fear, my worries and my joy. It is useless. All they say was that this is just a temporary thing. And I shouldn't focus too much on it (the day b4 the competition). I hate them for it. They never support anything that I like and love to do. And yet I still make the effort to study things that they wanted me to study and do what they wanted me to do. Why can't I go against them?? One answer. I am too stupid.

Speechless but NOT! Dumbfounded by FAR!

My goodness, Thank god for showing me the real deal. I ask for direction and HE gave me 1. Now i am certain that my feeling is nothing more than a mere friendship valuation. I am glad. But what makes me felt happy is that the fact that for the first time since I live here. I don't feel left out. Proves, my gf ask for my opinion and advice and my bf ask for the same thing also.  I will try to value my friendship from this day onward. Glad I went to PS yesterday. It help me see things clearly.

Starting to break

I am like an hour glass. My time has a limit and I think I am almost running out of sand. I hate her then and it haven't change now. Well, most of the time I am okay with her but she is a pain . I have to put up with her attitude that it disgust me to be me. I hate her and I hate myself for not be able to fight back. I am trying to be sensible and not make a fuss out of the things that she did. Fighting wouldn't be good for my image.

Things I hate about her:

1) Can't accept her failure and other people success
2) Too proud of her legacy (not that she is a direct decedent  of the royals or anything
3) Too arrogant and proud to say "I am sorry for what I did" sincerely
4)Doesn't like it when other people brag about their success when she herself shove it on other people face
5) Doesn't listen to others
6) thinks she is the smartest girl on earth
7) Think little of other people
8) Hypocrite
9) Proud of her triangle traits which says ( i am a high achiever and will do anything to achieve what i want w/o caring about other people.
10) Think she is the prettiest girl
11) always comment on other people out of jealousy
12) Loves to pry on other people's affair
13)Only befriends with someone for their background
14) Can't be trusted

Well. there must be more but I couldn't think of anything right now. Sleepy. Even Pres sense my anger towards her. And you hear me out bitch! 1 day, all that u think matter wouldn't matter to you in the future. This is life. All life has their own cycle. So, your next generation, I do not wish for a happy ending. Hopefully you will be punished for your action and your descendent will also bear the consequences. Mark my words, your first child will be a failure and this is my curse for you.

I know it is not good to curse other people but like i said earlier, I am about to break. My glass body are cracking. No more I felt a genuine interest in you. I am officially considering you as my friend for benefit and never once think of you as my good friend, dear friend best friend or even close friend. You deserved what you deserved.

Hopelessly in Love

Bergetar hatiku memandangmu,
Ooo..Resah, hati gelisah..

Part of Akim's song lyric. I am so lost right now, the problem with me is that, I fall easily and I wish I don't have to be like that. Why?? The more I rejected the truth, the more I am  jealous of him. God! He is so nice but I have to act like a friend so help me please. I don't want to be oblivious. The thing about me is that I am quite predictable when I am in certain condition. People notice stuff and I notice that he is running away from me.  I am starting to bore him and creeping him out. So sad. That is why it is better if I just befriend with him. I cannot afford to lose a good friend like him. Not that It matter anymore. Everything is ruined. I am ruined.

Picture During 3 days of CNY Holiday!!!!

Enjoy !!!

Ha!!! Feeling fresh today after early slumber last night. I manage to wake up early but since I got nothing to do early I snoozed off till 10 am. Waaaa! so tired last night. 2 days straight went out shopping and having fun with friends.

Good thing I sleepover at my friends hostel. The place was superb. got our own compartment and I felt like living in Egypt.Hehe.. the architecture is Islamic based. Love the fact that it is cold there since it is situated  on hill. Anyway, first day of outing, I went to Wangsa Walk with Nikun. SALE! SALE! SAE! Everywhere.. Mange to buy green cardigan, and other girls stuff. Before we went back, bought KFC for dinner that night since the first night I'm there we already had pizza. ( I know, i'm not suppose to eat all that but the I can't help it) Hahaha....  crash diet does that, Eat like a piq for 3 days straight. hahahaha....

The next day, Me, Nikun, Yayat and Kakak Yati went to Times square. Me having to bring all my stuff since I am going back to hostel later that evening cause my arm to hurt like crazy. My english sucks..huhu...

So, I am quite depressed when I am at times square since the mall are having CNY Sale and I couldn't buy much ..No money, I can only buy things that I really need such as bag for class(my old bag are a lost cause) , a blouse for kuliyyah and 3 pair of socks for aerobic competition next week. Need that much socks for practice(just in case i am too tired to wash one I can go for anothe one) hehe.. its pink, white and pink+white in colour... love them. Felt so nice on my feet. Juz the right size lae 2..hahahaa....

Got surprise from Pangkor Island

Love the way it look. Love the color. Love the everything about it. Thanks Win, you really made my day. She got me a surprise gift in a form of an adorable keychain. Owww.... I love keychain and I love weird stuff. She knew I would choose that one over the other three. Haha... Its so kawai'e... I named him Momo after Moo Kyul Ahn. My fav character in Mary stayed out all night. Cuz, he wears like the doll and he plays guitar when he sings. Heee.... here's how my Momo looks like

My Momo a.k.a Moo Kyul Ahn

 Doesn't he look adorable with that guitar and pink jacket over green skin. Hehehehe... Thanks  a bunch 4 d key chain Win.....

Tomorrow is the day

I can't wait for tomorrow. Its so exciting. I am going to UIA. To my friend place. Miss her you know. I'll be leaving my confinement. Hopefully the money I got is enough. And hopefully I can get there easily with no trouble at all. God help me.

Its Mid-term holiday

Well, its mid term holiday. As of today, I am officially all alone in my dorm room. My roomates are going back to their hometown and my friend will be away for camp for 3 days. 3 days of loneliness. Nevermind, hopefully I can get my work done within these coming 3 days. Gonna be busy. And I do hope that there are still people living in the hostel within that time since I don't want to be stuck in the second floor all alone. I f anything, I cannot run outside towards the security post fast enough. Not that it matter anyway since the guard post is almost always empty.

Afraid of losing

What if I lose anymore friends> I had few to and to lose another one I can't afford. Huhu... Please god, let me be a good friend and let me have friends. I know, meeting someone and then losing them is part of life. But I can't handle it the way other people handle it. I may look okay on the outside, but on the inside, my heart. It just filled with 1000 liter of tears, and maybe more. But then again, why do I want to keep them? Because I already felt attached to them since only few able to make me open up even not wholly. I know I am not the best person in your life and I know, in your prayer, you probably ask for circles of friends which you could trust and be proud of and  worthy. So, maybe I am not worthy.(God!! just thought of it) So maybe I shouldn't force our friendship anymore and just watch what happen as time flew by. But I do want you to know, No matter what happen next, If we are not together again. You are part of my life once and during that time I truly am loving you in every way I can as a friend.

Direction of my blog

Layan lagu Melly and Evan sambil berfikir ttg my life. Seems to me this blog is turning into my love obsession confession. Okay, this is the kind of thing I cannot say out loud since, well, let just say I've got issues. Nevermind that.

When all things gone bad

I don't want to be like that. I value our friendship. So please, please, let me go. My heart, if u love me you will listen to me. Please stop being such a brat and listen to mommy for once. I just want to be friends. Sure, when I heard the news, I am sad. I still am. It hurt and I felt like it sliced through my chest. Its good that I am not good with people. But it hurts when I get too close I can't stand losing them . My fear of losing my friends just unbearable. I know, my paranoia kicks in. Need them to say that they're my friends no matter what. but I know, we human, don't usually do what we preach. Soooo missng M already. Its bad enough that my bestie Ami become stranger for now, not another one.

I'm dying to hear that special someone says....

Okay, so my blog has become recently, a disgustingly sappy, overrated romantic, heart pouring  piece of junk. If you read all my post then you'll know. Right now, its like another sappy post. What I meant by the heading is that, I'm dying to hear that special someone says " U r my exceptions" .. Its sweet and touchy and I like touchy cuz I love art and to produce good art, you must be able to touch your audience with your art. 

A dear friend of mine once told me that I will think about marriage during my fifth semester in U. But, I kinda brush him off. Truth be told, I am jealous of other people happiness. I see the smiles on people faces when they're in love. I see a lot of loyalty, commitment, constant attention and betrayal. Well, of course, betrayal not counted here. Its beautiful. 

My friends told me that I should not be dating someone because, well, mostly guys that they met are painfully pain sometimes. Its really pissed me off when I hear their stories and it crush me to see their tears. I..I don't like it when woman being hurt by men. So, I guess that what makes me very particular when choosing the right person to be with. Which ended up by me being single. Haha...well, another thing is that, sometimes I am disgusted at men. For who they are. Its not fair but I can't change my feeling or me.

I guess why I am being touchy and sensitive and wanting to hear something that's impossible is because, I am nearing the age of 21 and I haven't had a single relationship with guys. Its my fault really, I'm too cold. Well you can and can't blame me on that given the way I am raised. 

So, maybe I may hear the words but maybe not. Nobody likes me. I mean in a serious relationship matter. I'm just not mature enough to be in one. Lets just say that I am waiting for someone that's true to himself which obviously not coming. hee.... desperate it may sound but It just me.