Another question form my Heart...

Will I ever find someone who love me,and accept me for who I am. Embraced my weakness and never make fun of me? and will I ever be a good wife to whoever it is that destined to be my other half? I know my taste for guys are high. I want a perfect guy when there is none in the world. Luckily, even though I never been in a relationship with a guy, god help me understand the relationship . HE guide me and show me what kind of men I am befriend with and He send me angels in the form of my friends to tell me the pain, anger and happiness in a relationship. Thank You God.... 

Maybe I am not ready for this stuff.... I ask my friend once, why is it that it is weird when I said I don't wanna get married. She said, god doesn't like it. And I ask her why there is people who are not married die? And my friend said, well,  because god had prepared angels in heaven for them and that their love one, their other half no longer exist in this world. hehe..just a silly conversation .. There is a reason for everything. I am not qualify to ask. But it is human nature to be curious about this kind of stuff. I don't want to end up with no one to love or end up desperate for love that I fall for the wrong guy. I don't want my life to be like ...someone I know. Scared..

Friday's Fun

Last Friday I had the time of my life. Finally!! After so many months, we finally met. Me and my best friends. Although with only three of them. But its still fun. We plan to go out at 9 but our Kakak Sayang xangkt her phone so our jalan2 end up jam 10..huhu.. nvm, at least x cancel. Anyway, since ada 3 org je yg bru dtg, x jadi la maen bowling awal2.. so, kami 3 book a karaoke room for 30 mins while waiting for kakak sayang to be there. Habis 30 mins, kena tunggu lae da... hahaha... nvm, pusing2 dulu... round satu bangunan cari Ani punya DigiEasy. Please kay, bukan Iklan DiGi... Ani ckp harga yg dia jumpa b4 this 50 ++ GILA!!! mana ada sim kad yg mahal gitu owh... bukan private num pun... sott nak mampus kedai tue..hopefully pasni kedai yg jual satu simkad arga samapi 50 ++ tue lingkup... deyh... tp tyme pusing kat level 2 o 3..jumpa yg arga 16.smthng.. itupun bukan harga sbnar... since DiGi tulis kad cover rm10 only.. org kedai pandai2 tmbah ekor kat atas... jadilah rm 16...   Demi duit kan... anyway, bila kaka syg da smpai kami maen bowling. n the funny thing is that, kakak syg bru first tyme maen tp dapat markah samapai hundred... gila seh.. bakat terpendam woo....xaci... mesin bowling tu pun maen tipu..... aku plak buat benda paling memalukan... bola melambung ke udara... wadafak!!!??!!!  aku rasa mcm mo baling jak diri ni langgar pin2 yg ada kat depan trus... deyh....pastu g makan KFC plak..since ada org mengidam cheesy fries.. although sy xphm napa..since rasa dia sama jak... kalau chocolate fries kali la sy excited..(hantu cokolat) hehe.... blum lunch doe... so, order bukan maen... skali x abes makan.... yer..bazir jak... jgn d ulangi kay..(peringtan tok diri sendiri) heee..... plan pastue nak g tengok wayang tapi...mcm tak cukup masa la... so in the end kitorng g tmpat karaoke n book room for 1 hour... tatadada dada.... haha.... masuk bilik suma jadi gila.... menari..lompat2... rampas2 mike.... rasa2 lagu nda best, xpat angkat, semua sebut "NEXT!!!" hahaha.... ntah brapa lagu kami bantai aritu... tapi... hepi la... berbaloi ...seriously, if u got a friend to have fun with then don't hesitate unless they wanna rob a bank..then... dun do it...

p/s: to Yayat, Nichan, kakak Sayang..love u mUahhhxxxx.... thanks for taking good care of me that day and thanks for inviting me to go out with u guys.. The day was a  BLAST!! Hopefully we can do it together and this tyme... with Ams... boy she's like merajuk with us right now I think... I didn't even dare to call her and apologize..sooooo sooorreeeee mi 'amore...

OH-AM-GEE...I cannot be in love... NOO!!!

Bila cinta kini,

Tak lagi bermakna,

Yang kurasa kini,

Hanyalah nestapa.

 God, the lyric is beautiful and the piano accompanying this song just superb. However, this song sure messed with my head. It hit me right to the core. Right where it hurt. I just want to live a simple life now. Please, lets not complicate things anymore. 

This subject never been my favorite. Love never seems on my side. Whether it is from my family or my friends. I love them though. Even i am being forgotten someday.

Even my dad says I am the only one who sought after my friends when they don't even care about me. But he is wrong. I refuse to believe that although some of them are true. This was back when I was in high school. I hate myself before and hearing those kind of things just make matter worst. I hate myself up till now.

For being weak, stupid and quite. Maybe this is another factor of my disappearance.

For those who consider me as their friends: I just wanna say thank you for being there for me, willing to be near me and get to know me when everyone else stay as far away from me. I love you guys. And if we never meet again. Just remember that you have been part of my life and for that, you guys are the colors of my past. my deepest memory and deepest heart is where your name lies and not erased at all... I am sorry for what I've done to you guys. Hopefully, you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

Too Painful To be true

 I guess I really want to belong. As i went through my classmate profile to find picture I felt like my heart being sliced slowly. It just hurt me to know that these people know each other long before me and that their bond are stronger with each other. Okey, so I am being irrational. I love my life at Samarahan and that what makes it even more painful. I saw graduation pictures for each and every one of my classmate. What about me?? I got nothing and if I quit QS here then I have nothing. It scares me and sometimes I felt that life would be better if I just disappeared. I don't know how long I can hold myself and be brave and strong. Time will tell. But I know I am in the brink of destruction. Slowly... I am killed inside. Soon, everyone will turn their head away from me and blame me for not being strong and can't fulfill their wishes. I can't do it. I just can't.  Even now I am slowly turning into someone I don't recognize.  Please..please show me ways to escape from this pain. I do not know how long I can keep faking myself. I don't see my future and that scares me. Seriously, I have 6th sense where I can just 'see' something. Like going to high school and stuff but nothing on my future a.k.a adulthood.

Kenangan sekolah menengah awal & revelation of my past

Terharu aku baca blog kawan aku tyme primary skul dulu.. YUp, memang kami banyak persamaan. Suka melukis and suka seni..... Kalau gaduh pun x lama. Haha... rasa nak putar masa ke zaman dulu. I know you know very well who you are.  Hehe... Miss her already, yup, we were separated when we were 13. Just 13 when I have to go to Secondary school . I must say I do not regret going to Sabah College because it is my dream to be able to school there. But Losing my friends are harder. In my new surrounding, confused and scared, I'm lost. Without my friends who always supported me makes me felt very small in this new crowd of people. I had a hard time adjusting and finding friends. I am sure it is me all along, its not their fault that I find it hard to be friend with people. So, I began my reclusive strategy, I felt awkward being alone at canteen during break time, so I would starve myself and hide in the school library till breaks over. I would ponder books by books and it is not hard for me to do so since I love reading books and our college provide us with extensive collection of mystery/ investigative story books. Which are my favorite.

But my life are not dull at all. I tried my best to be courageous and took every opportunity to do what i love most. I am a scout. A hardcore scout. I started when I was 10. I used to go to camps and its kinda a must thing to do every year. I love the jolly people I met in scout and I do believe in its oat. "Believe in your god, loyal to your king and country and abide  the rules of scouts".  So, I continue to become a scout when I was in secondary school. Apart from that, I love drawing and I would use every chance I get to show off my work to my art teacher eventhough it is of poor quality. I am not a pro mind that. I also participate in astronomy club which I found very interesting but my interest soon died out since there's nothing much to do in the club. And the people in the club doesn't seem to be as interested in the galaxy as me.  Its a whole universe out there so, I want to know it if possible. But what to do. Fate leads me to a different path. When I was in secondary 3, I met N and A. They help me a lot especially in subjects that I'm weak at. Maths and English. N would teach me math every morning( actually, I force her to help me ) heh... A would correct me if I make grammar mistakes. She also taught me a very valuable lesson. To not judge people. And up till now, I am still struggling to be a non judgmental person. Thanks... our friendship grew even more stronger when we were in form 4 and 5. This is the time when we formed Group Tengah. There's me , N, A, Y, Ni, H,P,S. But I always felt more connected to N,A,Y,H,and P. But alas, good time never seem to last long for me. I am destined to be alone again when we graduated from our secondary school. Each one of us went our separate ways. I manage to land myself in one of the university in Sarawak. Alone, and so the cycle return. No one I know, new places, misfits and I actually cry over and over again but that my crying soon dissappear as I found a true friend in the form of my roommates. Me, Z ,A, D,and E. We stick with each other like glue.. Hehe... well, I can't tell everything that happen to me in the past in one post. It would be boring not to mention long. hehe.... well, I would continue this story later...There are more to my story than stated above. I never reveal my past thoroughly to my friends because it is too embarrassing since everyone else had a normal life and a very easy one indeed.

Hari Raya Again!!!!

So, di kesempatan ini, saya nak ucapkan Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha kepada semua umat Islam di dunia...Ceh..mcm jak ada follower .. kiakiakia.... Xkesah lar.. Okeh, arini nak creta sket perbezaan sambutan Hari Raya ni kat Sabah ngan Kelantan. Bagi yg senang je la... Okey, kalau kat Sabah, sambutan xla meriah macam hari raya aidil fitri. Simple je.. Kalau ada yg melawat pun maybe family je. So, pagi2, masak la nasik n apa2 lauk yg patut. Pastu relax depan Tv je.. tengok berita...kartun, drama, movie, berita balik.. Kalau rajin jalan2 la kat umah saudara mara. Yela, bila lae nak jmpa kalau bukan tyme2 cuti mcm ni. Tapi kalau kat Kelantan lain pulak ceritanya, sambutan sangat2 meriah... lebih meriah dari sambutan Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Kira terbalik dari Sabah la...

Kalau ikutkan, mmg la sambutan Hari Raya Aidilfitri lebih meriah dan di sambut sepanjang bulan Syawal tapi, Raya nya satu hari je.. cuma kita yg sambut berhari2.. Kalau Aidil adha pulak, sepatutnya sampai 3 hari, tapi bak kata kawan aku.."yallah" apa boleh buat... kita sambut ala kadar je... kecuali negeri2 yang berkenaan and cuti pun hanya sehari iaitu pda hari jatuhnya perayaan tersebut. Apa2 pun, sambut la kedua2 raya dgn rasa kesyukuran kerana di beri peluang hidup hingga ke kehari ini. Sekurang-kurangnya dapat jgk tengok perubahan negara n dunia depan mata. hik3... mcm jak kesah.... So, sesapa yang balik kampung halaman terchenta ... Berhati-hati di jalan raya... jangan jadikan alasan musim perayaan sebagai punca anda membunuh diri atau attempt nak bunuh diri macam katak kay!! Love, peace and Assalammualaikum...

Love is a Fairytale

Its true, not everything we see is what it is when we are in love. We believe in lovey dovey stuff and etc. Blech... But, when are not blinded by one, we are living in reality which is the only world we're living in. Just talk to my friend and she told me this. A wise word from someone who experience it all. Thank god she's different from the other girls out there.

 I am not saying that you shouldn't be in love but you have to be able to see at the same time. See whats happening around you, see what other people are seeing. Not just flowers, teddy bears, stars and smiles and kinship between the two of you. Lots of girls are lost after they broke up with their partner and oh-so-called boyfriend for ever.. Lost till at some point doing mistakes that could have been prevented. I am sorry if i hurt someone feelings.But this is from my point of view. Think back of your action before you do anything. Its not worthed. Not worthed to lose everything that you have before because of one measly guy.

Love mantra

 Its something you must encounter in life. When you love someone, you have to let them be happy even if it means letting them go. And I am letting go. Of my past and I am suppose to be glad because my prayer been heard. He has found someone who is nice, caring and perfect enough to be with him.

I am glad, but i can't help from feeling a little bit sad because I know I will never find mine. Looking at people around me makes me feel lonely. But I hide it pretty well huh... happy face, smiles and being crazy. Love never work for me. When I love someone, that someone will be taken away from me.I can't go through the sadness of being left behind. Not by my family, not by my own friends. I just can't. I really wish that someday, that someone I love will come and seek me in the sea of people , the madness of world and accept the imperfection of me among perfect people. I know I am being emo again. Not to mention disgusting. haha.. hm.. wherever you are, I'll be waiting and please this time, make me the happiest person on earth and able to trust people again.

Monday Blues

I think today post akan lebih bnyk lagi.. It just that I'm having a monday blues. Exams sucks, and i just being ditch by my own friends. How bad the day be? owh wait.. my paranoia kicks in.. Yay!!! Now i can have multiple reasons to suspect people around me of trying to get rid of me. huh... I miss my old friends. Sometimes, it hard to change and even when I try to change, my past is always pleasant than the new one.  Can I just go away? Somewhere far where I will never meet the poeple I met right now and in d past?? I need to chill .. I know, but i can't. Going back to depression is not the answer. I refuse to go back at that time. It hurts.. but what i felt now is pain.. and it also hurt. so will it make any diferent if i'm hurt now . Add up my pain ..It just kill me.

Sadness

 Okay, Its the time for me to evaluate my life after a semester here. Here goes;

So, things turn out okay. I met people. Talk.. and make some new friends. Hm.. but  it doesn't mean that I am not lonely. Sure, I induced myself night after night till morning with loud musics, animes, youtube and articles after articles on variety subjects. God knows where i get the time to read all those wonders in the world.Truth was and always been, I am lonely. I am lonely when I got here and even when I am about to leave this place, I am still lonely.


Its just empty. My life is empty.