Sunday, June 5, 2011

KSK

Somehow, I am even more depressed in training than in class. Cuz, in training I have to do all the things that I hate. I don't know how long I can keep up with this. With this acting and liars... Hopefully I am strong enough to live by myself without any family at all. Cuz, I am thinking of not returning to Sabah anymore. Since I had been warned not to come home if I insist on leaving QS.

Dying seems more appealing right now. But then again, I am dead inside for a very long time now.

Its rather complicated

They came to us last week. After lunch that is. And I can't help noticing his Edward Cullen hairstyle. Somehow, he is different from the 'he' that I know. Different from where we met. Can't take my eyes off him but i have too. Else it would be too obvious.

But somehow, remembering him makes me depressed even more. Since he doesn't like me, like me. Hahaha.... I'm getting myself confuse. I am an example of a person who just cannot accept the fact that people don't like me.  Its like a cycle actually, some guy will come and give that ' i am interested in you' attitude and after several months move on with another girl. What do they think I am??

Good think I learn fast and from experience in high school too. Too never trust anyone. So bye-bye.! Adios Amiga.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Not a good start

Not a good start.. I am still the dumbess person. Why can't I communicate with people?? Why am I being punish with such characteristic.? I don't understand why other people had it easy whereas me? I have to go through hell and still didn't get the result that I wanted. Sometimes, It makes me feel like I should jut quit or maybe kill myself. Then everything will be perfect. Nobody like me anyway. I am tired pretending to be someone I am not. And by being someone I am, I am being criticize and hated also.

The question of suicide had been in my mind for quite some time now. O-God, please release me from this burden in my chest. I really really am getting tired of living like this. I cry every time people turn around from me.

I am weak and I agree with that. I am befriend with someone ruthless. I hate it. I hate it soo much that sometime I just wanted that person to just go away already. Hm........................................................................................

Wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow. I hate it. I hate that place with some of the people who scares me to death. I can't pray for their wellness if they are being so immature by treating me differently. Thanks a lot for making every single step in my life terrible for me. Kill me already.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Praktikal training

Tak lama lagi praktikal. Agak nervous . Aku punya cita-cita untuk berjaya . Berjaya menjadi seorang intern yang terbaik. Tetapi dengan kelemahan ku. Aku tidak pasti samada dapat ku capai cita-cita tersebut. Aku ingin sekali belajar banyak daripada latihan lapangan ini. Tapi.... doubts in me..I have doubts in myself. 

Aku dapat tahu akan ada 3 orang lagi dari tempat laen yang akan praktikal sama denganku. Tidak mengenali mereka dan tidak ingin dipijak. Aku keliru, celaru, adakah aku sudah bersedia untuk melangkah setapak lagi ke industri yang meragut kewarasan akalku.?  yang hampir meragut nyawaku. Aku kini tidak takut berhirisan dengan pisau dan tidak takut inflict api ketapak tanganku sendiri. Ketahuilah rakan2 ku.. kalau hatiku ini dipenuhi dengan keberanian tidak akan ku lakukan perkara2 tersebut. Tapi aku pengecut. kerana apa yang terjadi semasa aku berada di sekolah menengah. Mungkin ada yang berkata itu benda lepas. Tapi bagiku luka yang meninggalkan parut amat mendalam dan hodoh sehingga aku sukar sekali melupakannya. 

Bagiku, aku sudah mati .. 

aku mati,
beku dalam diri.
Tetiba teringat kisah msa pertengahan semester. Trima kasih En. Halim sebab encik buat self esteem sy jatuh dengan begitu dalam sekali ke lubang yang tak terdaya untuk di jelajahi. TRima kasih sebab guna perkataan 'kelabu asap'.. terima kasih sebab malukan saya depan kawan2 yang sy baru nak kenal. terima kasih jugak sebab berusaha bercakap dengan saya selepas itu.

Walaupun bila kita berdua sahaja berada dalam satu kawasan nampaknya en. tidak begitu menyukai saya. I know i am a bad QS. 'tak boleh di tegur ' as u said it that day. Tolong faham QS bukan lah pilihan saya dan tak akan pernah menjadi ratu, puteri mahupun dayang dalam hati ini. QS hanyalah satu profession di mana family saya boleh berbangga dengan apa yang saya buat. berbangga dengan apa yang mereka besarkn. Seorang patung mainan yang bila2 masa boleh dibakar, yang boleh di gerakkan mengikut kehendak mereka .

Aku hanyalah boneka,
Mainan sang dewasa,
Bahan tontonan keluarga,
Kebanggaan yang menyedihkan.

I know, my poem a bit off.. But at least I tried. Doesn't really felt like it anyway. Kalau tak nak jadi QS jangan jadi QS. Tapi encik macam bukan manusia dengan tidak memahami bahwa pilihan bukan ditangan saya sebenarnya. Trima aksih encik sbb membuka luka di dada. Membuka kemarahan yang selama ini sy pendam.

Amarahku diperangkap kurungan benama hati

It ended in second semester

This semester were a hellish semester. With all the frustration , fear and all but I manage to finish it without quitting although I make it clear that that is what I wanted. I lost my self as always but nevermind that.
Although this semester was a terrible one, I can't stop from being happy by having such a great supportive group of friends. From my own roomates whom I come to love so much to my classmate who never make me feel like I am alone in everything. Thanks  alot you guys. Really appreciates all the things u guys taught me and I have to say. Even though my journey has been rocky u make it bearable.

To be part with u guys makes me want to break into tears. But I know, it is best for me to not dwell into the past and start living in present without much hope into the future.Because future is not something that we will know and if things doesn't goes according to plan we are the one who will be frustrated. I learn to let things be and try to survive this oceans of problematic world.


What I came to find out so far about my friends is that some of them are a hypocrite like me. Means they are dangerous unlike what they potrayed themselves to be. But some of them are genuinely sincere. I wish that someday. The pain of being separated will cease to exist . I know i will leave them soon and disappear as I would do before. 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Jiwang again

Untuk aku mengenali seseorang itu susah, tapi untuk aku jatuh cinta itu senang. Haha. Lucu. jatuh cinta lagi... lagi lagi ku jatuh cinta... haha... xble blah... Apapun, untuk aku jatuh cinta secara slowly, lebih susah. dan walau bagaimana aku menolak sekalipun, aku harus akui yang aku jatuh hati pada seseorang yang pada mataku bukan menarik untuk dikenali pada mulanya. Namun aku mencintai hati budi dan tingkah lakunya. Semakin lama aku bersamanya semakin aku menyayangi nya. Perasaan yang hadir secara tiba-tiba. Tapi, aku harus memadamkan perasaan ini. Dan caraku sungguh kelihatan sekali. Mukaku menjadi boring bila berhadapan dengannya. dan sensitif sekali. Tapi aku harus lakukan ia demi menyelamatkan persahabatan yang ada. kerana aku lebih rela mengorbankan cinta daripada mengorbankan seorang sahabat yang sejati yang aku temui yang begitu memahami.

Kerana budi aku jatuh hati,
Kerana budi aku ingin memiliki, 
Kerana budi aku disakiti.

Aku tahu luahan ini tidak seharusnya kutulis tetapi akujuga tahu aku tidak akan dapat memendam perasaan ini selama-lamanya. 
Lalu pada pen dan kertas ku berbicara,
Pada isinya ku luahkan segala,
Pada pengakhirannya ku tutup kata.

Aku belum kronik. Aku masih waras dalam meneliti hidup ini. Masih sedar akan sifat malu dan adab-adab Melayu. Aku,  anak warisan Malaysia yang relevansi kepada bangsa masih samar-samar belaka cuba membakar rasa yang tidak sepatutnya ada.