Not a good start.. I am still the dumbess person. Why can't I communicate with people?? Why am I being punish with such characteristic.? I don't understand why other people had it easy whereas me? I have to go through hell and still didn't get the result that I wanted. Sometimes, It makes me feel like I should jut quit or maybe kill myself. Then everything will be perfect. Nobody like me anyway. I am tired pretending to be someone I am not. And by being someone I am, I am being criticize and hated also.
The question of suicide had been in my mind for quite some time now. O-God, please release me from this burden in my chest. I really really am getting tired of living like this. I cry every time people turn around from me.
I am weak and I agree with that. I am befriend with someone ruthless. I hate it. I hate it soo much that sometime I just wanted that person to just go away already. Hm........................................................................................
Wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow. I hate it. I hate that place with some of the people who scares me to death. I can't pray for their wellness if they are being so immature by treating me differently. Thanks a lot for making every single step in my life terrible for me. Kill me already.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Praktikal training
Tak lama lagi praktikal. Agak nervous . Aku punya cita-cita untuk berjaya . Berjaya menjadi seorang intern yang terbaik. Tetapi dengan kelemahan ku. Aku tidak pasti samada dapat ku capai cita-cita tersebut. Aku ingin sekali belajar banyak daripada latihan lapangan ini. Tapi.... doubts in me..I have doubts in myself.
Aku dapat tahu akan ada 3 orang lagi dari tempat laen yang akan praktikal sama denganku. Tidak mengenali mereka dan tidak ingin dipijak. Aku keliru, celaru, adakah aku sudah bersedia untuk melangkah setapak lagi ke industri yang meragut kewarasan akalku.? yang hampir meragut nyawaku. Aku kini tidak takut berhirisan dengan pisau dan tidak takut inflict api ketapak tanganku sendiri. Ketahuilah rakan2 ku.. kalau hatiku ini dipenuhi dengan keberanian tidak akan ku lakukan perkara2 tersebut. Tapi aku pengecut. kerana apa yang terjadi semasa aku berada di sekolah menengah. Mungkin ada yang berkata itu benda lepas. Tapi bagiku luka yang meninggalkan parut amat mendalam dan hodoh sehingga aku sukar sekali melupakannya.
Bagiku, aku sudah mati ..
Aku dapat tahu akan ada 3 orang lagi dari tempat laen yang akan praktikal sama denganku. Tidak mengenali mereka dan tidak ingin dipijak. Aku keliru, celaru, adakah aku sudah bersedia untuk melangkah setapak lagi ke industri yang meragut kewarasan akalku.? yang hampir meragut nyawaku. Aku kini tidak takut berhirisan dengan pisau dan tidak takut inflict api ketapak tanganku sendiri. Ketahuilah rakan2 ku.. kalau hatiku ini dipenuhi dengan keberanian tidak akan ku lakukan perkara2 tersebut. Tapi aku pengecut. kerana apa yang terjadi semasa aku berada di sekolah menengah. Mungkin ada yang berkata itu benda lepas. Tapi bagiku luka yang meninggalkan parut amat mendalam dan hodoh sehingga aku sukar sekali melupakannya.
Bagiku, aku sudah mati ..
aku mati,
beku dalam diri.
Tetiba teringat kisah msa pertengahan semester. Trima kasih En. Halim sebab encik buat self esteem sy jatuh dengan begitu dalam sekali ke lubang yang tak terdaya untuk di jelajahi. TRima kasih sebab guna perkataan 'kelabu asap'.. terima kasih sebab malukan saya depan kawan2 yang sy baru nak kenal. terima kasih jugak sebab berusaha bercakap dengan saya selepas itu.
Walaupun bila kita berdua sahaja berada dalam satu kawasan nampaknya en. tidak begitu menyukai saya. I know i am a bad QS. 'tak boleh di tegur ' as u said it that day. Tolong faham QS bukan lah pilihan saya dan tak akan pernah menjadi ratu, puteri mahupun dayang dalam hati ini. QS hanyalah satu profession di mana family saya boleh berbangga dengan apa yang saya buat. berbangga dengan apa yang mereka besarkn. Seorang patung mainan yang bila2 masa boleh dibakar, yang boleh di gerakkan mengikut kehendak mereka .
Walaupun bila kita berdua sahaja berada dalam satu kawasan nampaknya en. tidak begitu menyukai saya. I know i am a bad QS. 'tak boleh di tegur ' as u said it that day. Tolong faham QS bukan lah pilihan saya dan tak akan pernah menjadi ratu, puteri mahupun dayang dalam hati ini. QS hanyalah satu profession di mana family saya boleh berbangga dengan apa yang saya buat. berbangga dengan apa yang mereka besarkn. Seorang patung mainan yang bila2 masa boleh dibakar, yang boleh di gerakkan mengikut kehendak mereka .
Aku hanyalah boneka,
Mainan sang dewasa,
Bahan tontonan keluarga,
Kebanggaan yang menyedihkan.
I know, my poem a bit off.. But at least I tried. Doesn't really felt like it anyway. Kalau tak nak jadi QS jangan jadi QS. Tapi encik macam bukan manusia dengan tidak memahami bahwa pilihan bukan ditangan saya sebenarnya. Trima aksih encik sbb membuka luka di dada. Membuka kemarahan yang selama ini sy pendam.
Amarahku diperangkap kurungan benama hati
It ended in second semester
This semester were a hellish semester. With all the frustration , fear and all but I manage to finish it without quitting although I make it clear that that is what I wanted. I lost my self as always but nevermind that.
Although this semester was a terrible one, I can't stop from being happy by having such a great supportive group of friends. From my own roomates whom I come to love so much to my classmate who never make me feel like I am alone in everything. Thanks alot you guys. Really appreciates all the things u guys taught me and I have to say. Even though my journey has been rocky u make it bearable.
To be part with u guys makes me want to break into tears. But I know, it is best for me to not dwell into the past and start living in present without much hope into the future.Because future is not something that we will know and if things doesn't goes according to plan we are the one who will be frustrated. I learn to let things be and try to survive this oceans of problematic world.
What I came to find out so far about my friends is that some of them are a hypocrite like me. Means they are dangerous unlike what they potrayed themselves to be. But some of them are genuinely sincere. I wish that someday. The pain of being separated will cease to exist . I know i will leave them soon and disappear as I would do before.
Although this semester was a terrible one, I can't stop from being happy by having such a great supportive group of friends. From my own roomates whom I come to love so much to my classmate who never make me feel like I am alone in everything. Thanks alot you guys. Really appreciates all the things u guys taught me and I have to say. Even though my journey has been rocky u make it bearable.
To be part with u guys makes me want to break into tears. But I know, it is best for me to not dwell into the past and start living in present without much hope into the future.Because future is not something that we will know and if things doesn't goes according to plan we are the one who will be frustrated. I learn to let things be and try to survive this oceans of problematic world.
What I came to find out so far about my friends is that some of them are a hypocrite like me. Means they are dangerous unlike what they potrayed themselves to be. But some of them are genuinely sincere. I wish that someday. The pain of being separated will cease to exist . I know i will leave them soon and disappear as I would do before.
